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Post by JackpotMans on Nov 9, 2017 21:13:20 GMT -6
So I've been making a story for awhile now using the characters from the Persona 4 universe. I have made a rough draft of it so that you folks can view it. I would love some feedback. Persona 4 - The Golden Years Rough Draft.pdf (121.86 KB)
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Post by chronoeclipse on Nov 12, 2017 19:42:46 GMT -6
Sorry its taken me a few days to comment on this. I just got a chance to read it tonight and I liked it a lot! I really hope you continue with the story because it seems like it's heading in a fun place! Your description of Chie and Yukiko as old women were fantastic - it definitely makes me excited to hear what the other women in the group look like. If I were to offer you feedback on how to improve the section you've written here it would be:
- I would love a bit more detailed descriptions of what their bodies look like as young women. You do a fantastic job giving great details about how their bodies age but it'll be strengthened by descriptions of those same body part young. Currently you give us what each characters hair and clothing looks like - which is great! But some further details about their bodies - you describe old Chie's breasts as being the roundest they've ever been - what shape are they when she's young? You describe Yukiko's aged feet in the orthopedic sandals but we don't get a description of them before they are aged - etc. For those of us who aren't familiar with Persona 4 it'll help paint a more vivid picture for us.
- I would also love a description of the resort as they are walking through it rather than just the conversation about what they saw. What color are the walls? What does it smell like? Are any of the aged people doing anything or look a certain way to give clues as to their true age?
- I personally might consider leaving them in their young clothes initially after the transformation, after all you've taken the time to give detailed descriptions of their outfits. It'll paint a nice juxtaposition of the characters with their young bodies filling out those iconic clothes and then their elderly bodies no longer fitting them and maybe looking a bit ridiculous in the same clothing. It'll also give you a chance to have a scene shortly afterward where the group gets to choose new outfits for their aged bodies - maybe some of them pick more grandmotherly and grandfatherly versions of their regular clothing but others still try to dress they way they like to dress with embarrassing results?
- I'd really like to get a sense of each of the characters personalities. I'm not familiar with the subject material and having 8 protagonists is quite a lot. Maybe its something you can bring out as you develop more of the story but from the one conversation the group has its hard for me to tell the characters apart so far.
All in all great work! I look forward to reading more of it!
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Post by addwulf on Jun 24, 2018 22:40:58 GMT -6
Somehow I never read this. It's fantastic!
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