Magic Pen

Magic Pen: Don't we all. My Dad, he didn't like my... "lifestyle". When he caught me snogging the neighbor boy. He 1) Called me a Fat Poof 2) Chopped me in the throat &3) Sent me off to Canada to live with my Aunt. 

Harley: Yeah, I definitely have you beat on toxic relationships, Jay.

Magic Pen: ... We're connected telepathically (slightly) Yeah I can start to see... Fuck, Harley! Jesus, YES, I... I get your point! Fuck!

Harley sighs, looking around at her shitty ass hotel room. 

Harley: I have a doctorate! It's like Mr Freeze, why the fuck isn't he Doctor Freeze?! You wanna know why? Cause villains are cliquey bitches and anyone who isn't a complete ass gets the shaft!

Magic Pen: Yeah, but that makes sense. Bad Guy, literally in the name. 

Harley: I guess.

Magic Pen: So, you want respect. Alright, I can do something about that. But tell me, who do you want respect from? I'll give you some options, pick one and I'll make it happen.

-The Joker
-Poison Ivy
-Batman 
-The Scientific Community

Magic Pen: Good for you! All things considered, your relationship with Pam is pretty healthy. I'd like her approval too. Good choice!

Harley: She is a bad guy though.

Magic Pen: Labels! I've seen through that noggin of yours! Batman breaks jaws and gets a medal? Bollocks! Pam wants to help the environment and she labeled an "eco terrorist"? Ridiculous!  I mean, sure she... FUCK. Okay, WOW, WOW! That's some fucked up shit! ... Eh, the world isn't black and white. Alright, I'm gonna make Pam respect you!

Harley: Thanks, Jay.

Magic Pen: Are you sure you want this though? 

Harley: Yep.

Magic Pen: You sure?

Harley: Yes!

Magic Pen: Okay. Your name is Harley Quinn. You're...

-52 Years Old, working at Xavier's 
-64 Years Old, living in the Wayne Mansion 
-72 Years Old, living at a retirement home

Magic Pen: 52 Years old, working at Xavier's Academy for Gifted Youngsters.

Harley: Is there any reason I'm going through menopause??!!

Magic Pen: Cause you're 52.

Harley: And why am I 52?! Also, why do I weigh at least 190 lbs?!

Magic Pen: Menopause, I assume.

Harley: What the Hell! My boobs are bloated and saggy! My butt is the size of a beach ball, my neck is swollen, my hair looks awful, my skin looks awful, I have age spots, and it's so gosh darn hot! Also, I can't curse anymore! 

Magic Pen: Did I not warn you my magic is evil? It's a spell created by Vincent Van Gogh, who was killed by a witch for it, who I defeated... and ended up as a pen. I mean, come on, I AM A PEN! You're lucky you just gained like 80 pounds, 20 or 30 years, and desire to collect figurines.

Harley: Yeah, why do I want to collect figurines?

Magic Pen: Cause you're a middle aged woman now! God, I wish I a woman, or man, or even a dog! =(

Harley: Can you change me back?

Magic Pen: If I could do that, do you think I'd be a pen?!

Harely, sighing inside an office as she erratically fans herself with greasy sausage fingers.

Harley: Okay, so I'm married to Pam now, I'm a guidance counselor at a school for mutants, and Batman is a sixteen year old girl and my adopted daughter?

Magic Pen: Sounds about right. 

Harley: WOW, Pam's rear is bigger than mine! 

Magic Pen: Do you like that?

Harley: ... Well.

Magic Pen: Remember, Harley. Things can get a lot worse. I can change things, I can't change them back to how they use to be, but I can change them. You've got two choices. Live your life as a 52 year old, Lesbian Guidance Counselor, OR, take another crack at evil magic.

-Harley spends the day as a 52 Year old Guidance Counselor
-Harley makes another wish  

Magic Pen: 

You spent the day like any other, you woke up at 3 in morning, drenched in sweat, your wife snoring like a hibernating grizzly bear. You couldn't judge her, knowing Damn well your snores are much, much worse! You're almost out the door at 6,  where your wife, Pam Quinn, dressed in a frizzy purple robe, sipping on a hot cup of coffee, at kitchen, is grading a stack of biology papers.

"Pick up some paper towels on the way home." She speaks in a mature voice highlighted by years worth of cigarettes. "The Green Pack."

You find yourself a tad turned on by her mature face. Something about that Au Naturale look at six in the morning definitely makes your day as you shove your plump figure into a 2004 Sedan. You stop at a doughnut shop called Pryde Doughnuts, owned and operated by a 45 year old Kitty Pryde, with a body and appetite much larger than your own! You get four sausage and egg sandwiches and a cup of coffee and head off to Xavier's Academy for Gifted Youngsters, where you've worked as a Guidance Counselor for 20 years. In your youth, you were wild and dangerous. And you still are, So you say. Most of the students called you Aunty Quinn, you're known for bringing doughnuts to your class on Fridays, your very, very bad and cheesy mom jokes, and your adopted daughter.

Bryce Wayne.

"What happened to your diet?" A Raven Haired beauty in a yellow track suit crossed her arms at the middle aged woman scarfing on a greasy breakfast at her desk.

"Next week, I swear, Puddin!" Harley mumbles with food in her mouth. Her daughter rolls her eyes, knowing her Mom and will power go together like her other Mom and skinny jeans! 

They just don't match!

You spend the rest of the day working on paperwork in your office, chatting with the faculty, chatting with the students, chatting with X-Men, Professor Xavier, and an Alien Octopus that calls himself Kevin.

For the most part, you feel satisfied and accomplished. You come home to your wife, who made grilled chicken salad for dinner, and you smile, that is, until she scowls at you.

"Where are the paper towels?" 

You waddle off to your car, not before a playful peck on her cheek, and pinch on her lower, more flabby cheek, and head for the store. 

Maybe it's the magic, but being 52 doesn't seem so bad.

-The Magic Pen goes to someone else.
-Harley still wants to change reality.

Harley: Thanks for the recap on my day.

Magic Pen: You're welcome.

Harley: I was being sarcastic.

Magic Pen: Well aware of that. So, do you want to stay like this?

Harley: I admit it's not so bad. I love Pam, having a daughter has its moments... but I don't wanna be so old!

Magic Pen: You could be older. Just saying, 52 is better than 92.

Harley: But I want to be 22!

Magic Pen: And I want a penis but, AGAIN, THIS IS EVIL MAGIC!

Harley: I still wanna try for something better! Isn't that what's life about? Why settle?

Magic Pen: Let me tell you a little story. I turned my best friend, a guy named Sam, and my cousin Vivian, into a 35 year old lesbian couple! Samantha runs a comic bookstore just outside of Toronto. Vivian is a History teacher with an appetite as high as her metabolism is low. They're currently raising a 250 year old witch I tricked into becoming a four year old. That is literally the best scenario they can have, Harley and, honestly, this is your best!

Harley: You don't know that for sure.

Magic Pen: EVIL MAGIC. I AM A PEN!!! Yeah, pretty sure I do know! Hah Hah!

Harley: Whatever, just, please, grant me another wish.

Magic Pen: Okay, what do you want now?

-Harley wants a better job
-Harley wants a baby
-Harley to be single
-Harley wants cool superpowers too!

Magic Pen: Seriously?

Harley: Well, the thing is that Mister Jay and I...

Magic Pen: I'm going stop you there, I know what happened. FUCK THAT GUY! Be grateful he's not a part of your life anymore. Fuck 'Em.

Harley: I guess.

Magic Pen: Alright, Baby it is! Your name is Harley Quinn, you are 42 years old, and you just had a miracle baby with your partner...

-Poison Ivy
- Tony Stark
- Deadpool 
-Someone else