Post by chronoeclipse on Apr 6, 2020 15:08:01 GMT -6
"Well so... it's kind of a funny story. See I have, well I suppose *had* this college internship at this PR company and I like totally developed this huge crush on my boss Jared. He's 38... I've always sort of had a thing for older guys, um I guess younger guys now?" The old woman gives a tiny cough and takes a sip of water.
"N-E-waaaaayyyy... He was totally flirting with me in the office so I thought 'nothing ventured' right? And I asked him out for drinks. And he says yes! I'm like OVER THE MOON. I wear my cutest underwear (Which doesn't fit me anymore and i'm really bummed about) and dress, like, provocatively and meet him at this trendy bar by our office." She says winking her sunken eye assuming the other women here know where this is heading.
"So after a few drinks he's like asking me what my GRANDMOTHER looks like and if I think i'll like take after her? 'Totally bizarre' I think but he's just so fucking HAWT, i'm getting lost in his eyes. I lean in and we make out a bit and i'm like totally ready to like have his babies. We go back to his place and have like ROM-COM level sex. Like he lights me up like a PINBALL machine. But the whole time he's asking questions like 'when do you think your pubes will start going gray?' and 'oh man your tits as like going to be a pair of fried eggs some day'" She says lower her quavering voice and octave to mimic a man's voice.
"And then like he asked me to tuck my lips around my teeth and pretend to be like toothless and senile? Normally totally red flags but trust me girls - the sex was THAT good that I stuck around. Except the next morning he like calls me a cab without so much as a 'I had fun last night', and the next day at the office he's acting like it never happened. So I confront him about it and he says that it's best if we kept things strictly professional. I'm not really his type and he just wants to be friends. I like LOSE it. I'm crying in the bathroom." She rubs her loose neck skin a little, the dangling waddle flaps around as her crooked fingers stroke it.
"That's when my friend Mandy tells me about this like magic shop, except not like magic shop like gags and card tricks but like magic like portions and eye of newt and crap. So I go there and I ask them for something to make Jared love me. And they give me this amulet. They tell me that if I wear it I'll 'exemplify the qualities of my lovers deepest darkest desires'... or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention and it's not like the thing came with an instruction manual." She said with a shrug and a wheezing breath.
"Naturally I bought it and then marched right up to Jared's office and told him that I wanted to see him that night and that I would make all his wild fantasies come true. Cut to me - on my bed, surrounded by rose petals in nothing but a purple silk teddy. Jarod comes in and I slip on the necklace and find myself aging rapidly - like my skins getting all wrinkly and my *ahem* assets are sagging lower and lower. My hair grows gray and I become a frail old lady. I'm like freaked and I scream - and do you know what Jared does? He creams his pants - literally. I just watch in horror as my office crush moans and stains his khakis! He's like totally turned on." She gestures to her aged body to emphasize how old and unsexy she is now.
"So I think... okay, I didn't know what I had been expecting so I roll with it - he cuddles me all night and treats me like some nursing home patient, giving me a sponge bath making me tell him stories about what it was like back in World War 2 (Spoiler Alert - I have no idea! I just described the plot to A League of their Own to him) and at the end of the night he passes out and i'm like *so* ready to go back to being young again, I take off the necklace and.... nothing happens. I try to go back to the shop I got the thing from and it's totally gone! Like it was never there!" Julie exclaims with a bitter tone in her voice.
"And do you want to know the kicker of the whole thing? Jarod fucking *dumped* me a week later saying that he thought I was hot but "too needy"! Bitch I turned 88 years old for you!" She yells angrily as if saying it to Jared himself.
She then looks around at the bored, tired faces in the room and becomes self conscious again. ".... Am I talking too much? I feel like i'm monopolizing all the time here..."
"N-E-waaaaayyyy... He was totally flirting with me in the office so I thought 'nothing ventured' right? And I asked him out for drinks. And he says yes! I'm like OVER THE MOON. I wear my cutest underwear (Which doesn't fit me anymore and i'm really bummed about) and dress, like, provocatively and meet him at this trendy bar by our office." She says winking her sunken eye assuming the other women here know where this is heading.
"So after a few drinks he's like asking me what my GRANDMOTHER looks like and if I think i'll like take after her? 'Totally bizarre' I think but he's just so fucking HAWT, i'm getting lost in his eyes. I lean in and we make out a bit and i'm like totally ready to like have his babies. We go back to his place and have like ROM-COM level sex. Like he lights me up like a PINBALL machine. But the whole time he's asking questions like 'when do you think your pubes will start going gray?' and 'oh man your tits as like going to be a pair of fried eggs some day'" She says lower her quavering voice and octave to mimic a man's voice.
"And then like he asked me to tuck my lips around my teeth and pretend to be like toothless and senile? Normally totally red flags but trust me girls - the sex was THAT good that I stuck around. Except the next morning he like calls me a cab without so much as a 'I had fun last night', and the next day at the office he's acting like it never happened. So I confront him about it and he says that it's best if we kept things strictly professional. I'm not really his type and he just wants to be friends. I like LOSE it. I'm crying in the bathroom." She rubs her loose neck skin a little, the dangling waddle flaps around as her crooked fingers stroke it.
"That's when my friend Mandy tells me about this like magic shop, except not like magic shop like gags and card tricks but like magic like portions and eye of newt and crap. So I go there and I ask them for something to make Jared love me. And they give me this amulet. They tell me that if I wear it I'll 'exemplify the qualities of my lovers deepest darkest desires'... or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention and it's not like the thing came with an instruction manual." She said with a shrug and a wheezing breath.
"Naturally I bought it and then marched right up to Jared's office and told him that I wanted to see him that night and that I would make all his wild fantasies come true. Cut to me - on my bed, surrounded by rose petals in nothing but a purple silk teddy. Jarod comes in and I slip on the necklace and find myself aging rapidly - like my skins getting all wrinkly and my *ahem* assets are sagging lower and lower. My hair grows gray and I become a frail old lady. I'm like freaked and I scream - and do you know what Jared does? He creams his pants - literally. I just watch in horror as my office crush moans and stains his khakis! He's like totally turned on." She gestures to her aged body to emphasize how old and unsexy she is now.
"So I think... okay, I didn't know what I had been expecting so I roll with it - he cuddles me all night and treats me like some nursing home patient, giving me a sponge bath making me tell him stories about what it was like back in World War 2 (Spoiler Alert - I have no idea! I just described the plot to A League of their Own to him) and at the end of the night he passes out and i'm like *so* ready to go back to being young again, I take off the necklace and.... nothing happens. I try to go back to the shop I got the thing from and it's totally gone! Like it was never there!" Julie exclaims with a bitter tone in her voice.
"And do you want to know the kicker of the whole thing? Jarod fucking *dumped* me a week later saying that he thought I was hot but "too needy"! Bitch I turned 88 years old for you!" She yells angrily as if saying it to Jared himself.
She then looks around at the bored, tired faces in the room and becomes self conscious again. ".... Am I talking too much? I feel like i'm monopolizing all the time here..."