A flamboyantly dressed dude with big sunglasses and a flat rimmed hat is sitting at the bar. He has a tattoo on the back of his neck signifying that he's a disciple of the ancient Sumerian deity Partipat. His name is Dirk Cranium and he's drunk and loudly talking the bartenders ear off. Dirk: "Go ahead! Name a celebrity and I PROMISE you i've fucked them!"
The bartender smirks and shrugs, while cleaning a glass.Bartender: "Okay how about Zendaya?"
Dirk: "Did her!"
Bartender: "Keira Knightly."
Dirk: "She BEGGED me to shag her."
Bartender: "Cindy Crawford."
Dirk: "Did her AND her daughter."
Bartender: "Emilia Clarke"
Dirk: "Totally banged her and the rest of the women from GoT! Oh what dirty old bird Sophie Turner is..."
A brunette woman a few stools down that's been giving Dirk a disgusted look this entire exchange rolls her eyes and coughs "Liar!"
Dirk and the Bartender look over at the woman who is throwing back neon red vodka tonics. Dirk pulls his sunglasses down to get a better look at the scantily clad woman.
Dirk: "What was that bitty?"
Lexa: "The names not bitty, it's Lexa. And your stories are bullshit. You've slept with every starlet of the late 20th/early 21st centuries? There is no WAY any young woman, famous or otherwise, would let a guy that looks, talks and dresses like YOU anywhere near their vagina."
Dirk: (
Slapping the bar and laughing) "I didn't say anything about YOUNG did I?... nah, I slept with all these fine fine ladies when they asses were all shriveled and saggy! I was probably the last guy these women ever fucked in their lives."
The Bartender and Lexa look horrified.Bartender: Seriously?
Dirk: "Yeah man, I got the idea a few years back. See my buddy Reggie was introducing me to his new girlfriend, this smoking hot chick named Brianna who had just like come in second in the Miss Teen USA pageant...
He takes a sip of his drink.Dirk: Anyway, I thought 'no way Reggie and this chick are going to stay together' and figured I'd swoop in to catch Brianna on the rebound! So I jump ahead in time a little bit and sho' nuff, a couple weeks after introducing her to me Reggie and his girl break up! But to my chagrin she immediately started dating a new guy - so I jump forward again and she's with ANOTHER guy - and I jump forward again and again and each time she's in a relationship like some serial... monogamist or some shit!
He slaps his hand on the bar.Dirk: Anyway i'm now like 10 years in the future and I find myself at Brianna's wedding! She's like walking down the aisle and i'm thinking 'god, when am I gonna get a chance to bang this chick?' So I jump ahead a few years and she's still married - happily married. So I jump ahead another decade, now she's got like kids and a mortgage and like things aren't looking so rosy for Brianna and her hubby. So I jump forward another couple years and she's still married...
He scratches his right pec.Dirk: So I approach her, she doesn't recognize me because i'm looking like my young hot self and she's like total desperate housewife, and i'm like "Hey your husband sucks... maybe you need a boytoy on the side..." And the bitch tells me that she's already GOT a boytoy! Can you believe that shit?
He looks at Lexa whose jaw is clenched and her arms are folded.Dirk: So I jump ahead again a few years and she's remarried. So i'm like 'Fuck it... i'm already into this like 4 decades, i'll just keep jumping until I find my opening, I mean how much longer can it take?' You wanna know how much longer? 31 goddamn years! She's 89 years old and her second husband is dead. She's in a nursing home all like shriveled and gray haired, like tubes up her nose and a diaper on and I appear and this time she totally remembers me - BEGS me to make love to her so she can feel the warmth of a man one last time. And I had worked so hard for it I wasn't going to turn her down!
The bartender grimaces.Dirk: So I bang granny Brianna... and i'm like 'Hey! This is pretty good! I'm liking this!' and it dawns on me that I might be on to something... ladies aren't going to turn you down when they're like shriveled husks of their former glory. I mean when your tits are hanging down to here you take what you can get amiright?
He holds his hands down to his knees to demonstrate.Dirk: I know dudes that get off on like going around like taking famous peoples virginity. Like 'Oh I popped Cleopatra's cherry' or 'I was Judy Dench's first time... when she was a damsel instead of a dame' but like - so many women get their v-card punched when they're like 15. I'm a 28 year old man, i'm not going to like go trolling around junior high schools and get arrested. Nah I'd rather be the LAST guy these women ever fuck. Give them something to look forward to at the end of their lives.
Lexa: I think i'm going to be sick. You just troll around time shagging peoples grandmothers?
Dirk: Age is relative baby! But if you're so concerned why don't we pop off to the bathroom and you can remind me what a young woman's capable of.
Lexa: I wouldn't have sex with you in a million years.
Dirk: (
Smirks) I give it 60.
He disappears in a blink. Lexa and the bartender look at one another confused until Dirk reappears in the bar slightly more tanned and wearing a different hat.
Dirk: Woooo! You gave me quite the workout girl!
Lexa: (
Disgusted) We did not have sex!
Dirk: I think this vid will prove otherwise.
He plays a holovid in front of them showing Dirk in a futuristic bedroom with a frail, shriveled old woman with shoulder-length white hair, wearing a silver nightgown laying in the bed looking at Dirk fondly. Old Lexa: You came back! I knew you'd come...
Dirk: And you're still as hot as ever baby.He climbs into bed and takes off her dress revealing pale wrinkled body and sagging empty breasts. Then they proceed to fuck. Dirk: Yeah Lexa!! Gum my neck!
Old Lexa: Oh Dirk!!!!Lexa: (
Looking on in disbelief) That... that's not me. You're just calling some poor old woman my name!
Dirk: Oh that's you all right. Wait for it... when I get your feet up in the air...
He freeze frames as the old woman's legs are raised up and her bony foot and calve are visible. There's a tattoo of a pistol on the woman's veiny ankle.Dirk: That's your tattoo baby!
Lexa puts her hand to her mouth in horror. Dirk fast forwards through what appears to be several rounds of sex with the elderly Lexa.
Dirk: Oh and here's where you try on your old outfit from when we first met...
The video shows Dirk giving the peace sign to the camera with his arm around the 80-something year old woman dressed in ill-fitting leather bands that hand off her aged body, revealing way to much sagging wrinkly flesh.Young Lexa stands up, looking at her tight toned body now filling out her outfit perfectly and shutters.Dirk: Want to have a go now and I can tell you how you improve in your golden years?
She takes her drink and throws it in his face.Lexa: You're disgusting!
She turns and marches out of the bar.Dirk: (
Calling after her) That's not what you said 60 years from now!!!